Today marks a full year since a judge signed the court order that ended my marriage. The actual marriage ended a very long time before that. I think that's usually true, whether people realize it or not.
There was a day in late 2009 that I realized there was nothing to be gained by continuing to try to salvage a relationship from the devastation. I had cried so much before that day, and I had no idea how much more I would cry in the next two years, but on that day I was dry-eyed and quiet. I had simply let go. I was at peace with my choice, regretful of the impact it would have on my children, but there was nothing left to be done other than let it go. I have not had a single moment of regret about the decision to let go of that marriage.
What followed that day has been devastating, euphoric and everything in between. I've been on a journey of self-discovery. When my counselor looked at me and told me that I had more tears to cry than I could imagine, I honestly didn't believe him. I thought I had cried them all. He was right though. There was so much more to grieve than I had allowed myself to be aware of. In some ways it's been two years of re-lived heartache followed by seemingly endless hours of grief.
Each experience, as horrible as it might have been to re-live, allowed me to move toward wholeness. I chose to unplug myself from the matrix, from my former life of carefully constructed un-reality, and instead to live honestly. It's not easy. I've learned that I am much more brave than I ever thought I could be. I trust myself, and choose to have in my life only those who are also honest. I am on a path of integration and connection. It requires me to recognize the lies I've told myself, sometimes for as long as I can remember, to find the origin of the lie and grieve that if need be, and then to replace the lie with a new understanding of truth. Most of the time I absolutely do not want to go there because I know it's going to hurt. I do though, because having taken the red pill I can't go back and the way forward, however painful, is the only route available.
The whole process is about changing the stories I tell myself. That is the key, the point, the problem and the solution.