"I See You" a greeting, sort of like hello but more.... more like I recognize your soul and welcome your presence... (have you seen Avatar?)
Isn't that what everyone wants in life? To be seen. To be known and being that, to be welcomed as you are. Nothing more or less; without judgement.
In the beginning he saw me more clearly than I saw myself. In his mirror I could begin to see my own gifts. He showed me how worthy I was of love and unconditionally accepted my faults. I was known then. He could see me.
Time passed. Clouds came and challenges of life. Each baby brought hormonal changes that led to ever deepening post-partum depression.... then my father passed away in my arms just 2 days before my last child's first birthday... a very unexpected pregnancy followed by another loss tipped me over the edge and I fell to the bottom of a very deep, very dark pit of despair. At the bottom of the pit it was all I could do to keep moving, to work and feed the children and keep the house, before I collapsed gratefully into drugged sleep. He was there, in the shadows, and I knew he was there but I couldn't see anything.
Eventually, and with help, I crawled out of the pit and blinked in the light. Here was such pleasure! Such Warmth and Joy and Laughter. I had forgotten what it felt like to be alive and I was filled with the energy of it. Determined to find him and share this new life with him I looked until I could see him again. I reached out and opened my heart and soul. He saw me. It was what it should always be. We were both seen, known, loved.
Clouds passed into his way though with a series of life challenges and decisions on his part and on mine. Gradually he hid his face from me. He did not want to be seen. It was a very difficult time.
For a long while I tried to see him, to be allowed to see him, but he had pulled back into the shadows. I could not go there and so did all I could to draw him out and to give him what he needed. I became whatever it seemed to be that he wanted. My soul yearned to dance with him in the light.
I made friends and tried new things; I took risks and opened my heart to others hoping to be seen. I made mistakes and tried to learn from them. I lost weight and became much healthier. I began to see myself and a few special people began to see me. I wanted him to see me, but he was content with only looking at the surface. Gradually I lost sight of him. It was like I had to keep moving forward, into light and laughter and life, but he couldn't, or wouldn't, follow me.
Eventually I stopped looking for him.
He told me once that it was like I had died but he couldn't tell when, because he hadn't noticed.
He couldn't see me any more.
I've tried and, in his way, he's tried but somehow I remain invisible to him. And so it's time for me to step away from the shadows and to reach for life. Alone is better than invisible.